EXERCISE - responsibility
meaning
Ensure meaning while you are in the asylum process or when you are navigating the new culture. Make sure you to get a job, paid or non paid, help someone, do little chores, help the neighbour, paint a house. Do something that has value for another person. Recognize that you are doing it and be grateful that you are able to do it. Teach, volunteer, take a walk with someone who always stays indoors, cook a recipe from your country, form a talking group with other refugees, start a refugee newspaper, teach some kids, clean the camp, wash the dishes, whatever it is, you can always start a small project. Give yourself meaning by helping others, it will enhance the inner and outer responsibility. And it doesn’t matter if you do it with or without your specific expertise or knowledge.
Meaning creates a healthy ecosystem in your mind. It generates the right chemicals, and when you do something for others, it works twice as effectively. These chemicals affect not only the brain but also the heart. Helping others thus also contributes to your own healing! In fact, according to research from Harvard Unversity, people who are dealing with stress but have social contact and support have a 0% higher risk of dying because of this stress. It’s because the healing power of certain heart molecules that get activated when you engage in doing cool stuff for others.
word of choice
In your thinking, in your fantasy of future scenarios, have you ever taken note of the words that you use? Have you ever wondered about what kind of words you use to describe yourself, the traumatic story, or the ruminative fantasy? In this exercise you start paying attention to the words you use, especially the negative ones. Spot them! Pay special attention to the “no’s” and the “but’s” or the “what if’s”. Be alert and try to spot the “my faults” the “my bads” or any word that feeds your insecurity, your doubt, your regrets, your blame or shame. Just try to notice them, that’s all.
You don’t have to tell yourself that things are different after you spotted the negative word, that’s a trick of the mind. Just see it, observe it, that’s all you do. If you want you can carry a small notebook with you and everytime you catch one negative word or label, you write it down. And make it light, a fun kind of exercise, don’t get too serious, laugh about it when you catch a hold of them.
This exercise emphasises on the inner chatter but it also accounts for how you talk to others. Aside from that, the outer words that are being uttered by other people also have their impact and once you spot your own words, you will spot it from others as well. For example when you stay in a camp and deal with personnel, experts, and others. A busy doctor for instance might give you the feeling you are only a number, a diagnosis. He is too occupied and might have lost the human side of his job. An impersonal approach and words of choice, especially in a different culture, can confuse you and can make you feel very small which feeds your trauma. This also counts for the IND people, COA and management of the place where you are staying, some people simply don’t know how to communicate. In the same way as your inner chatter just notice it, or just notice your emotion about it. Be aware when it happens. It’s not about you. It’s their ignorance, their lack of social intelligence. If you are aware of it then it can’t touch you.
just another story
Can we also use our story and diminish its power over us? It is possible. It is a strategy in psychology to work on your trauma by repeating the narration of the traumatic events. You basically tell your story over and over again. You repeat it whenever there is a suitable situation to do so. Who knows, at some point you might even start telling it to a stranger at the grocery store.
In the beginning make sure you work with someone whom you trust or someone who has experience with this kind of work. If you have the resources to work with a professional then please do. Obviously the first time will be the most challenging. A lot of emotion, stress and tension can come to the surface and that is one of the reasons why you tell your traumatic story to someone you trust/love. Gradually, after you have told the story more and more, the stress response diminishes step by step.
What happens is that through repeated storytelling, the traumatic event becomes “a story” rather than “my story.” It creates distance, there is less identification, and it desenses the impact. Look at it like watching a scary movie. The more you watch it the less impact it has on you. This is the normalisation of the event. By repeatedly telling the story, you can process the event, your story, cognitively. This involves reinterpreting the memory, understanding it in a broader context, and integrating it into your life narrative. This helps reduce the feeling of it being an overwhelming and uncontrollable event.
Note, and these are the words coming from M.D. Paul Conti that it’s (also) about acknowledgement. “This thing happened to me, and look at what it has done to me.” It’s an exercise about repeating the story to create context and distance but it is also about acknowledgement. It is about the truth and looking at it for what it is. The shame we feel often prevents us from telling the story, from acknowledging the truth, so we tend to suppress.
Talk about it with someone you trust and/or write it out first. Step by step, you will know and feel for yourself how far you can go. Do it with compassion. With compassion for yourself as if the story happened to a loved one and he or she is telling it to you. It creates a different point of view, it creates the absorbing of the heart–both contribute to understanding. Also when it is someone else’s story there is less identification which gives less energy to the problem. And if the pain comes then don’t suppress it. Let it be there. Look at it. Consume it totally, become it, while you remain conscious of it. And if it’s too much or too difficult at first then don’t worry, next time you take it to the next step. There is no hurry.
Practice
You can do this exercise in therapeutic context, writing the story in your journal, and you can do it with group sessions. Ask management to facilitate or start your own group if the camp / COA does not provide the setting and organisation of it. You can take this initiative anyway and have group talks in which you share thoughts, feelings and emotions. To realise that we are all in it together and that you are not an exception. Everyone is struggling with the same issues more or less. This will create bonding, connection and awareness that you are not isolated.
Note
Again, if you have the opportunity to work with a professional then do so. If you can’t or simply won’t then take note that unstructured or unguided repetition can sometimes lead to re-traumatization. Hence go gradual, structured and controlled, ensuring that you can handle the emotional responses that arise. Check out the example below.
AN EXAMPLE
Here is a detailed example of recounting a traumatic event with specific details.
Initial recounting
- Overview: Start by giving a broad overview of the traumatic event. For instance, “I was in a car accident.”
Detailed exploration
- Step-by-step detail: Gradually add more specific details about the event, focusing on each sensory experience and emotional reaction.
Setting the scene: Describe where and when the event took place. “It was a rainy evening on a busy highway.” - Sensory details: Describe what you saw, heard, smelled, felt, and even tasted.
“I saw the headlights of the car coming towards me, the rain was pouring heavily, and the road was slick.”
“I heard the screeching of brakes, the sound of the impact, and the shattering of glass.”
“I smelled the burning rubber and the metallic scent of the deployed airbags.”
“I felt the jolt of the impact, the pain in my chest from the seatbelt, and the cold rain when I got out of the car.” - Emotional reaction: Describe your emotions at each stage of the event.
“I felt a sudden rush of fear when I saw the car coming towards me.”
“I felt shock and confusion immediately after the impact.”
“I felt panic when I couldn’t find my phone to call for help.”
Emotional processing
- Identify and label emotions: This is a different form of labeling so as you recount the details, identify and label the emotions you experienced.
“I felt terrified and helpless when the car was spinning.”
“I felt a wave of relief when I saw the ambulance arrive.”
“I felt anger and frustration when dealing with the insurance company afterward.”
Gradual exposure
- Less distressing details first: Start with aspects of the memory that are less distressing and gradually move towards the most distressing details.
“I remember leaving my house and driving to the highway. It was raining lightly.”
“The rain got heavier as I approached the highway exit. I was listening to music and felt relatively calm.”
“Then I saw the car. It appeared out of nowhere, and I knew I couldn’t avoid it.”
“The moment of impact was the worst. I still hear the sound in my head sometimes.”
Reflect and integrate
- Reflect on the experience: After recounting, take some time to reflect on how you feel and what you have learned from the process.
“Recounting this helps me understand why I still feel anxious driving in the rain.”
“I can see now that my fear is a natural response, but I survived and handled the situation as best as I could.”
“Talking about this helps me feel less alone with my fear.”
Use of supportive techniques
- Mindfulness and relaxation: Incorporate mindfulness and relaxation techniques from the exercises before and after recounting the details to help manage anxiety and emotional responses.
“I took several deep breaths before starting to recount the accident.”
“After talking about it, I did a short mindfulness exercise to help ground myself.”
Importance of professional guidance
- Therapist Involvement: When possible then undertake this process with the guidance of a trained therapist, especially for severe trauma. They can help pace the exposure and provide support and coping strategies.
The goal of detailed recounting is to desensitize, process, and reframe the traumatic memory, reducing its emotional intensity and integrating it into your broader life narrative. This helps transform the traumatic event from a source of ongoing distress into a part of your past that you can reflect on with less emotional charge.