UNLEARN
Recognize that unlearning is the highest form of learning.
Rumi
What Rumi is saying, within the context of trauma, is that narrowing down your input, narrowing down on information, will create more mental space to work on things that are more important. Things that can eventually help in giving more inner peace and balance. It’s simple logic because less information means less mind which means less monkey talk inside your skull. Now this chapter is a bit different. It’s a mixture of information and exercises, directly or indirectly focussing on unlearning, focussing on cutting certain habits that are not helping (post) refugees who already are in a difficult situation.
And don’t expect anything from the exercises, just experiment seriously and see what happens. Some might work for you, some might not. One size fits all doesn’t exist. Every single person is unique.
EXPOSURE
One approach is countering the acute stress response, the natural reflex. You can for example consciously seek out the unknown, the “danger”, because it is linked to a higher purpose. You become comfortable with the uncomfortable. In this case the old memory system in the brain is overruled by another part of the brain. Let’s call this part the “new manager”. This part of the brain, this manager, overrules because it has more information than the older part that takes care of the reflex (the prefrontal cortex overrides the information from the amygdala).
An example is taking cold showers which is becoming more popular the last years. You take the cold shower because you know it’s good for your mood and health. You have learned about it through the latest science on the subject and because you have tried it out yourself. So the old reflex response wants to go out of the shower but still you take the cold and stay. The manager in your skull knows that there is a higher purpose involved (that it’s healthy for you and that it feels good afterwards), and you make a conscious choice based on the new information and experience you have. You have more context that you can relate to. You understand. Hence you take the pain, you stay under the cold shower.
In this case the narrative you tell yourself to achieve higher goals is crucial. You need this understanding to achieve your goal. This runs parallel with exposure therapy where you make a conscious decision to expose yourself to that which you fear. It creates a broader vision, more understanding about what happens inside of you. On a brain level new neural pathways might connect which gives relief from the old neurological routes. The new information has changed the point of view.
Take for instance, if someone has a fear of heights, this approach might start with imagining heights, then progress to looking at pictures of heights, and eventually include being in elevated places until the fear diminishes to zero. This technique might also work for moving towards all associations you have when you have bad memories of the sea and water. You can for example go to a river and absorb the surrounding, the water and its sound. Touch it, feel it and look at it. You change your relationship with water. Then perhaps you go to a lake and at some point go to the sea and maybe even go swimming. You determine the steps! Perhaps you prefer to start with changing your relationship with water while you take a shower. Same goes for walking in a forest and be able to enjoy it (below an exercise on that).
The same technique works for moving through your shame. You expose yourself gradually to the stories and / or emotions that make you feel ashamed. Perhaps first alone through writing it out for yourself. By and by you try it out with someone you trust and gradually you start talking and acknowledging more and more. Again, you determine the route. If there is help, a loved one, then take that help. If there is a professional then too take that help!
THE FOREST
Associations in the brain can be strong but still they are also malleable. You can steadily work towards renovating the negative associations you are dealing with. If you can’t enjoy nature because trees and plants remind you of your harsh route through eastern European forests then firstly you might create a space with just a plant in your room. Like in other exercises you go gradual and by and by you consciously take more plants and/or go to a city park or forest and observe what happens with you. It works the same like the exposure exercise where you change your relationship and create a broader view.
Now if you have a more solid basis, you can take it one step farther and also start building positive associations. Perhaps you organise a picnic or barbecue in a park or forest with friends. Afterwards, you can then for example celebrate this small victory. When positive things happen in a forest, new and thus positive, associations around trees, plants and forests in general can be formed in your brain. As result trees don’t direct you to trauma but to a safe and relaxing environment with friends.
Depending on your trauma you take it slowely until you can enjoy walking in a forest by yourself. And remind yourself that the more present you are, the more you do these acts consciously in the now, the better this process works. The present moment is by definition separate from the past. In this way, you are actively constructing positive associations now that can overwrite the old program.
If you want to speed up the confrontation and create new associations then the best mix possible is combining the exposure with loved ones. You go to the forest with someone you love. You let energy flow together while you hug or hold hands. Love in itself is the strongest healing force that exists.
MOVE TO CONFIDENCE
They give you food, they give you clothing, they give you something to smoke, something to drink, they come and comfort you, they come and help you. It is coming from a good heart from the people that help you but it might also have an affect on you that you have to accept charity. This won’t be the case for all refugees but for some there is humiliation in accepting charity and it can run deep inside one’s being. Though it is a false belief about yourself that gives you the feeling of humiliation, still, you can find yourself years or even decades later that you rather not accept a cup of coffee when it’s offered. You politely say “no thank you.” even though you are craving for the black gold.
The connection, any association, runs too deep and even leftover crumbs on a plate in some restaurant 10 years later remind you of the food you’ve been given so often. It has the same effect. Charity has touched upon your pride, it’s the lack of esteem you felt so many times (especially for proud cultures). One of the central themes in trauma is that people have a feeling of helplessness. It is the inability (the mind’s interpretation) to take care of yourself or your family. Not now while you are staying in a camp and not when the traumatic events occured. It’s the deep layered feeling that you are a victim, that you are a failure, that you are not worthy. Also that’s why movement is so important since it takes away your feeling of helplessness and brings you back to the physical control which you didn’t have, in many cases, when the trauma occurred, when the body was physically unable to stop the traumatic event from happening.
Year later your helplessness that was there once migh still reside inside of you. You may think that you are not as strong, not as beautiful, not as loving as you once were, but these are false beliefs that provide a substitute explanation. When you move, when you seriously engage in sports you can turn this false belief around. Then the more you move, set goals, overcome your physical borders, the more you will regain your confidence.
You can do it with any activity. Maybe with the number of push-ups or by cycling or running a number of km’s. You can even explore this by imagining yourself as being the best athlete or the best in a crowd. You visualize and pretend. You deliberately act to be strong, good, wealthy, powerful, gorgeous, etc while you are engaged in movement. That’s why theatre can be a strong tool as well to help people overcome their trauma. It’s acting but it strongly impacts the brain. You can for example pretend to cross the finish line with your chin up, breast fully open and arms in the air. This will give feedback to your brain to rewrite that initial false belief. It is telling your brain that your are capable. You can go to a forest and experimnt with this all by yourself. Have a big cry of victory once you cross the finish line. Be proud of yourself and feel it.
SEE THE VIEWS CHANGE
This approach revolves around your point of view. About how you see and interpret the story that happened to you. This technique doesn’t emphasis on making a different story, it just can give you a change of view so you can see different angles. Trauma or non trauma, every event has different points of view. The event remains, the views can change. It’s like cycling up a mountain, every curve brings a new viewpoint.
Man’s search for meaning
Victor Frankl was a holocaust survivor and when he was in a concentration camp he began to observe the madness that happened to him and around him. He began to look at the daily horrors, death, despair, with different eyes. He told himself that one day, as a psychologist, he’d be giving lectures telling students, telling the world, about his experience and findings in the camp. This gave him purpose and made him a witness instead of a mere victim. He had a goal and a higher purpose while taking a mental distance from what was happening through his observations. He became more aware, reflecting like a mirror. He wrote a best selling book about it: Man’s search for Meaning.
Is there a positive side to your story, to your (fixed) narrative? Could there be a lesson, could there perhaps be a higher meaning for what has happened to you? What you do in this exercise is you try to apply a helicopter view on the subject, on the traumatic event, on your problems, to see if there are certain things that you didn’t think of but that are also part of the experience. You are trying to see the bigger picture. When you then connect this bigger picture back to the event itself, you may even feel understanding or gratitude. Now, it is needless to say that it all depends on what and who. There are stories that seem to wipe any helicopter view right off the table. Again, there is no one size fits all.
As an illustration I will give a modest but very concrete and specific experience of my own regarding this approach. In addition also some short examples of traumatized people who have brought new eyes to their struggle and who have transformed their trauma energy into something bigger.
Thankful
When I was cycling in Chile I fell a few metres down a steep hill which had a significant impact on me. It was a painful fall and it could have seriously injured me or even killed me. After falling I immediately felt scared towards cycling off road despite the fact I had significant experience cycling. I sensed the overall impact of that fall on my body but moreover on my mindset because of loss of confidence. It didn’t take too long though before I returned to the site of the incident to confront myself with the place, the stones and the iron garbage that cut me. I saw the path, the steep slope, and revisited in my mind what had happened. I became aware of what had happened while being present in the moment through conscious breathing.
The next step was that I viewed the event in a larger context. I realised how lucky I was because it could have been worse; my focus was on the positive interpretation of it. I also realised that my skills are limited and that I shouldn’t underestimate cycling in “the wild”. I also acknowledged right there and then that it was time to change my attitude, accepting that I’m no longer 18 years old and that it’s okay to avoid extremes. That it doesn’t make me less of a man if I skip a challenge, that I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. This made room for a broader perspective. Finally I thanked the incident for the lessons learned and I thanked it for making me a more experienced cyclist. I ended this 15 minute session with a smile and a few conscious breathes. That is important; I was present and was able to end it with a thankful smile that took away the seriousness of it. After all, it was just a fall from a bike.
Forgive
Eva Mozes Kor was a Holocaust survivor and a former refugee who, along with her twin sister, survived the horrific medical experiments of Dr. Josef Mengele at Auschwitz. After decades of struggling with her trauma, Kor found peace and a new perspective through the act of forgiveness. She publicly forgave the Nazis, including Mengele, not for their sake but for her own healing. This act of forgiveness allowed her to release much of her trauma and dedicate her life to promoting understanding and reconciliation. The essence here is that she forgave for herself which brought her space and relief. She forgave as a form of surrender to that what is, something that happened in the past and cannot be changed.
Focus
To what part of the traumatic events lies your focus? There are countless aspects of a traumatic event that you can feed and make bigger with your attention. But perhaps you can shift to one of them that is less painful or even helpful just like in the cycling example? Ibrahim Parlak, a Kurdish refugee from Turkey, faced severe persecution before fleeing to the United States. After years of living in the U.S., Parlak was arrested and faced deportation. During this ordeal, he gained a new perspective on his life and struggles. Instead of being consumed by anger, he focused on the support and solidarity from his local community, which helped him cope with his trauma and reinforced his sense of belonging and purpose.
Creative force
Bosnian writer Aleksandar Hemon fled Sarajevo during the Bosnian War and found refuge in the United States. Initially traumatized by the war and his displacement, Hemon channeled his experiences into a creative force through his writing. His novels and essays often explore themes of identity, exile, and resilience. By creatively processing his trauma, Hemon gained a broader perspective on his experiences and used his work to connect with others, fostering a sense of healing and understanding.
Activism
Valentino Achak Deng, a former Sudanese “Lost Boy,” endured extreme hardship and violence during the Second Sudanese Civil War. After resettling in the United States, he co-authored the book “What Is the What” with Dave Eggers, which narrates his harrowing journey. Through this process, through writing down his experiences, Deng found a way to contextualize his trauma and raise awareness about the plight of Sudanese refugees. His efforts led to the establishment of the Valentino Achak Deng Foundation, which works to improve education and infrastructure in South Sudan, turning his traumatic past into a force for positive change.
Bringing new eyes to it. Thinking about the self with curiosity instead of simple automaticity or repetition.
Paul Conti
This approach of seeing the views change looks somewhat like Conti’s explanation towards dealing with trauma in his talks and in his book “Trauma”. Conti passed a few times before in this website, he is a Medical Doctor who is specialised in trauma and the upper quote is one of the suggestions he gives for people dealing with trauma by looking at themselves from a different angle, from different views. The views about what happened, how you interpreted, and how you respond to it now. And, so he mentioned in a podcast: “It breaks down to observing yourself and taking ownership.”